My American Airlines plane touched down at the JFK airport on Friday February 25 at 2:05 pm after three hours of turbulence. It was the kind of landing that made all the passengers clap before they unbuckled their seatbelts. The clapping lasted no longer than a few seconds. No need to dwell on the past people, let’s get move on to better lands.
I exited the plane with a smile that warmed my body, a smile that would have done the same to anyone whose regard caught mine at that moment. It had nothing to do with the turbulence. The smile jolted out of some place deep inside me that only appears when I am truly content. The mere view of New York City put me in that state. I was smiling because I was about to enter the magic that only that city exudes for two days. I was smiling because the view of Manhattan stood strong below the gold and royal blue sun-broken sky from which I had just emerged. I was about to enter the city that I was observing, standing at the airport to which I had just arrived, from the sky that hung over the city that I was about to enter. My heart pushed a few tears out of my eyes as I grasped this cyclical verity, as I realized where my life was headed for the next few days.
The weekend’s events proved to be more remarkable than I had predicted before. Highlights include but are not limited to: my parents flying my best friend, Carlye Hodel, out to celebrate our birthdays together (Watch our reuniting here and then finish it up comme ça) my parents staying out until 4 am one night, better Sushi than Japan can produce, a view of Manhattan Island from Brooklyn and it’s bridge, having deep convos, dancing Motown, being 21 (for realz) in AMERICA, being around Americans, meeting a way Jersey couple... from Jersey and having a couple crush, Taylor Jewell, Drew Hodel, and George DeLacy you all rock. Essentially my weekend consisted of spending time with people that make me happy, in a city that makes me happy even when I am elsewhere, and drinking drinks that made me very happy at the time. Shout out to Little Branch’s Dark. And. Stormy.
The worst thing about all of this however was its imminent closure on Sunday, and then the aftermath that has continued to grow since I’ve flown away from my people. My longing to be back with my NY crew (as I will name them for now) appears significantly worse this time around. We have had three days without living together – now more than the time we spent ensemble – yet the weekend impacted our relationships so much that I’m scrapping the amount-of-time-spent-together = amount-of-time-to-recover-from-break-up ratio. This parting is different. It simply hurts more this time.
The “pain” I’m feeling isn’t actually pain. I have realized that it is actuality. My body is expressing the temporarily permanent separation that I will undergo from the people I love when I finish college and begin my life elsewhere. We simply can’t all move to one city together to continue our lives together. I never realized that was something I wanted or needed until this recent farewell. While I know that I want to continue working away from home, New York-for-my-21st-Birthday gave me a chance to see my dream’s negative sides entirely in action. This Mariel will have to learn to live without her people and this Mariel will have to learn to accept that fact.
And while I may love my life where it is right now, because it is damn fantastic in Paris, France, I must say that I have a constant hole in my life; filled only by my favorites out West. I’m going to have to live a few more days to figure out how to handle this Catch-22.
While that goes down, let me end this post with three words that I only use when my heart truly aches to be with someone... I want to say a few words that I only ever say when I truly feel them.
“I miss you.”
I'd like to end this with one last LCD Soundsystem reference, that seems equally as fitting as did the title. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dL79-7oo9Xc
